How my eating disorder fed off my Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) (Part 3)

I have a confession to make. I haven’t been shooting my YouTube videos because I am currently in a BDD episode. For those of you who may not know, the Mayo Clinic defines BDD as a mental health condition with symptoms that are either minor and non-harming or flaws that are made up. These flaws can be so distressing for people suffering from this condition that they often spend most of their time looking at their bodies in disgust, or they focus on finding treatments for their problems.

For example, my current BDD episode was triggered when I went to the orthodontist to get new retainers and the technician told me my teeth had shifted slightly. The technician said that teeth naturally shift and that I still had a pretty smile. But later that afternoon when I looked in the mirror, I saw the crooked teeth I had as a teenager before I had braces.

It also reminded me of the days when I was in middle school when my classmates and I would dance in a large circle at recess. One day they made fun of me by calling me “monster and dirty” because my teeth were stained and crooked. They continued to tease me by saying, “Amanda has dirty teeth and never goes to the dentist.” Their taunts made me feel very self-conscious about my teeth. The truth of the matter was my mother was too poor at that time to afford to take me to the dentist.

It’s not just my smile, however, that brings on a BDD flare; it’s also my weight. Even though I only weigh 115 pounds on average, I still see myself as fat. I see chubby cheeks, chubby arms and a rounded belly that sticks out  from behind my top.

One way people with BDD fix this flaw, according to the Mayo Clinic, is to buy bigger clothes.

When I am in a BDD episode like this, I don’t like to leave the house because I am afraid people will think I’m ugly.

But when I do go out, my friends sometimes take me clothes shopping. I tend to buy clothes that are a size larger than  what I normally wear.  After picking something out, my friends say, “Amanda, you’re not that big. Your pants look way too baggy on you. Stop buying baggy clothes.”

My friends often beg me to buy leggings that are tight so that they will show off my figure.  When I come out of the dressing room, I often say, “This doesn’t fit. It’s too tight.” Then, my friends will say, “Well, shoot, you’re so small. I thought you could fit into that.” Then, I go back and pick out baggy clothes. This is one of the classic symptoms to help fix the flaw, according to the Mayo Clinic.

So for now, as I attempt to get back to shooting YouTube videos, all I see in the viewfinder is the flaws of  a person with crooked teeth, chubby cheeks, chubby arms, and a fat stomach protruding from baggy clothes staring back at me. Until I stop believing those lies, and start shooting YouTube videos again, I won’t be able to see the healthy and beautiful person that people say I am.

 

 

My Mental health journey: Let’s talk about Anxiety

Anxiety is a condition that I didn’t want to admit that I had. In fact, I didn’t know that I had anxiety until I started talking about my symptoms with my therapist during my first therapy session.

According to The Centre for Clinical Interventions worksheet What is Anxiety?, “The experience of anxiety is very similar to the experience of fear-the main difference is that anxiety occurs in the absence of real danger. That is, the individual may think that they are in danger but the reality is they are not.”

According to Mayo Clinic, there are two different kinds of factors that can cause anxiety. Those factors can either be external such as being worried about grades at school, work,  or relationships. Some of the factors can be internal such as having genetic links from other close family members who have similar mental health issues and physical symptoms from the misuse of drugs that are either illegal or prescription, etc.

I know that there are several factors that can influence me to have anxiety. I have close family members that either had or have mental health issues, my mother unexpectedly died of a heart attack when I was 16, when I was in high school and college I worried about my academic performance, and now I have anxiety about trying to get my business started.

I remember the first time I had an anxiety attack. It was after my mother died. I was struggling with grief. I was sitting in my rocking chair at my grandparent’s house, and I was thinking about my mother’s sudden passing. I remember taking deep breaths without realizing it. My grandpa asked if I was okay. I responded that I was probably just tired. I struggled with sleeping that night. I remember waking up very early in the morning. I needed a drink of water, so I went into the kitchen and got a drink. While I was drinking, I remember feeling like I couldn’t breathe. My breathing started to increase and I started having chest pains. I started to panic. I had a fear that I was going to die. I remember crying out. This was one of my first of many panic attacks.  After that major panic attack, I had several stomach aches. My grandparents took me to several doctor appointments to try to find out what was causing all the issues. In October of 2005, I had a kidney infection and several viral infections. After those cleared up, I still had issues with my stomach. The doctors stated that it was due to stress and anxiety, and they suggested that I try therapy.

I had such painful anxiety and panic attack symptoms that I took the doctor’s advice. I went to an outpatient trauma therapist.  Because I was still in high school, I saw the therapist during the school day. We talked about the loss of my mother and other events, from my childhood, that affected me. I felt like the therapist was pushing me to talk about things that I did not want to talk about, so I stopped the sessions. I buried myself into my studies. Even though this helped push my anxiety aside I still had symptoms.

I still have physical and mental symptoms of anxiety. According to Anxiety and Depression Association of America-Understand the Facts Symptoms, some symptoms of anxiety may include the following: “…Sweating, Trembling or shaking, nausea or abdominal distress, chills or heat sensations, etc.”

When I have anxiety some of my main symptoms are headaches, tight muscles, stomach cramps, and shortness of breath. I constantly have negative thoughts during this time period. I feel that nothing good will come out of my problems.

To help me cope with my anxiety and negative thoughts I use the following self-care techniques:

  • I challenge my negative thoughts to become positive ones. Here is an example, last weekend my cable for my hard drive went out. I kept thinking that my business would fail even before I launch it. Then my friend reminded me that she, my business coach or caseworker may have copies of my work. I have learned that sometimes lost work can lead to even better work.
  • I write in my journal. Writing for me isn’t just for my profession, I write for personal reasons too. I can just let my feelings fall onto the page. By the time I finish writing I feel more relaxed. I can see what the main problem is and how I can fix it.
  • I can take a warm bath with my favorite bath salts or bath bombs. I love the smell of lavender. The warmth of the water helps with my achy muscles.  The bath makes me tired. After I get into my PJ’s I go to sleep. I wake up with a relaxed body and a fresh mindset.
  • I can call a friend. When I am in a deep attack and I can’t get a hold of myself I call a friend. Usually a quick chat about the problem(s) and finding solutions to those problem(s) calm me down.

These are just some self-care techniques that work for me, and they may not work for everyone. Everyone is different when it comes to managing their anxiety.

I did not learn these coping skills on my own. In 2015 I checked myself into outpatient therapy. My therapist helped me start a list on how to deal with my anxiety and depression. I have read many other blogs that deal with mental health and I find some of their suggestions to be helpful.

Do you struggle with anxiety? What coping skills do you use to help? Tell me in the comments below.

Author’s Disclaimer: I am not a medical or mental health professional. If you are having problems with either your physical or mental health please seek proper medical care from a health care professional. I am just sharing my own experiences so you know you are not alone.

The symptoms I felt before going into Therapy

I can clearly remember the pain that I felt before going into therapy. These symptoms were both physical and emotional. The physical signs I had were a rash on my belly, arm and behind my ear. I had tried all different kinds of over the counter creams and lotions. Some of the creams only helped a little bit. It never went away. I kept scratching which made the rash worse. I was under a lot of stress because my dog, Noodles, died in March. On top of that, I was in a temporary job that I did not care for because their was a lack of public transportation and accommodations.

I had wide spread body pain. I hurt all over my body. The only thing that helped some was a hot bath, which also made my rash hurt.

When it came to the emotional pain, I had waves of sadness and hopelessness. I had very little motivation, and I was crying a lot. Since I was having so many problems my family and friends encouraged me to see a doctor and to get a referral to see a therapist.

It took me a year to get the courage to make a doctor appointment. The reason I did not want to go was a fear of getting a bill that I could not afford.  While I sat in the waiting room, I was shaking. I feared that my rash was uncurable. However, my biggest fear was the stigma that went along with getting help for mental health.

When I actually got into the exam room my anxiety went even higher. I felt like I was either going to throw up or start crying. When the nurse came in I started spilling out all of my problems from the pain from my rash to the pain I was having from the heartbreaking past I was feeling. The nurse was caring. She sat down and listened to me. She let me get all of my nervousness out of my system before she even did the exam.

She asked me some questions about my health and gave me a simple exam. Before I left her office, she gave me a prescription for my rash and a referral for counseling. She gave me some strategies to help me cope and to start feeling better on my own until my first appointment.

When I left the office, I felt good that I had reached out for help. I just had to wait a few days before I would be getting a phone call for my first appointment.

Author’s note: I am not a medical professional. I am just sharing my own personal experiences. If you are concerned about your physical or mental health please seek proper medical care.

Mental Health Series: Let’s kick it off during Mental Health Awareness Week

Mental health is important to me. I have learned through volunteering for SANE: Changing Mental Health for Good that Mental Health Awareness week is celebrated May 13 through May 19th. I feel passionate about mental health, and I decided to start a series on my blog and YouTube channel dedicated to mental health. I want to share some of my mental health journey with you. I hope that opening up about my health will get more people talking about their own mental health and about the resources that are available to help in healing and to sustain wellness. I have had a range of mental health issues such as low-grade depression, anxiety, panic attacks, stress, and Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

I learned through therapy that my self-esteem and wellbeing could improve through the use of different coping techniques and positive self-talk. It took a lot of hard work and time, however I am now a happier and much healthier person because of it.

I hope that you enjoy this series. I feel ready to be open on each topic I discuss.   Together we can talk about these topics down in the comments and I hope that this helps others in their own journey.

I am no longer afraid or ashamed to talk about my mental health journey. I find it very beneficial and healing.  Here’s to a new series and to Mental Health Awareness Week!